Transcript from a recent online chat
[Comment From Nee`]
I looked at the signs and I noticed that my partner has them. Do you know of any treatment centers in the NYC area
[Comment From E. George]
This I don’t know and I don’t know how to find out?
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
Before someone enters treatment, you have to confront them and get them to be willing to go to treatment
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
You can find out where your partner goes on the internet by checking the serach history on the computer, or you can just ask them and let them know about your concerns
[Comment From Mimi]
My husband had an affair with his partner 4 years ago, and came clean, was remorseful, he still has to work with the person because of financial reasons, however they usually are in different offices. I am confident it is over. He also was addicted to Porn on the internet has stopped. However, he is unable to climax and hold an erection very long. He no longer spends time on the internet, or very little, he felt guilty and bad because it was upsetting me. My question is, can he no longer enjoy sex out of guilt, or does it have to do with having spent too much time on the internet? He also does have the emotional disconnect that you mentioned. He tells me he is just getting old. He is 56 and in very good shape.
[Comment From E. George]
The history always gets deleted when they close the browser! Wouldn’t asking them mean that you don’t trust them?
[Comment From Nee`]
I did that a few months ago and we talked about it and he admitted to everything
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
There are many treatment centers in the Northeast, some have sex addiction programs and others don’t. You would have to check your insurance coverage and go from there.
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
For some sex addicts, the high they lose when they stop has to be replaced by learning about intimacy so that sex can be about communicating feeling for their partner; without the pornographic aspect, they may feel very little sex interest
[Comment From Nee`]
Ok Thanks is is a text box which has a
[Comment From Dr. DeVoreDr. DeVore: ]
Good Afternoon.
Wednesday March 24, 2010 2:54 Dr. DeVore
3:34
[Comment From LoriLori: ]
Good Afternoon Dr. I’d like to know what the symptoms of someone with a sex addiction are.
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:34 Lori
3:38
Dr. DeVore:
Individuals vary, so I can give you a general answer that covers the majority of cases: you may see a lack of emotonal connection, avoidance of sex, unexplained time when the person is missing from where they should be, “spcing out” on teh internet (often looking at sex sites) and the like — of course, an arrest for public sex or indecent exposure blow the addicts’ cover
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:38 Dr. DeVore
3:41
Dr. DeVore:
Part of avoidance of sex may include compulsive masturbation, or in some cases, an overinterest in sex withthe partner, but a real sense of disconnection during the sex
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:41 Dr. DeVore
3:41
[Comment From E. GeorgeE. George: ]
Does a woman who has more than ten didlos have a sex addiction???
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:41 E. George
3:43
Dr. DeVore:
a collection doesnt indicate overuse; if she is spending so much time with her dildos that she is not meeting her committments, then there is a problem
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:43 Dr. DeVore
3:43
[Comment From E. GeorgeE. George: ]
If a women spends a lot of time on facebook and myspace looking for a different partner?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:43 E. George
3:45
Guest:
You may see the person spending so much time looking for partners that they dont attend to other parts of their life, like keeping their apartment clean, and that can indicate a problem — if they are just shopping to replace the one they have, that is a different story
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:45 Guest
3:45
[Comment From E. GeorgeE. George: ]
That makes sense! But if she spends a lot of time on facebook and myspace would that indicate a sex addicition and cheating?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:45 E. George
3:47
Tiger Devore PhD:
“alot of time” is really subjective; you need to find out what she is doing, where she is spending the time, is she setting up sex dates with many different people or just having friends on the internet to talk with?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:47 Tiger Devore PhD
3:50
[Comment From Nee`Nee`: ]
I looked at the signs and I noticed that my partner has them. Do you know of any treatment centers in the NYC area
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:50 Nee`
3:51
[Comment From E. GeorgeE. George: ]
This I don’t know and I don’t know how to find out?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:51 E. George
3:51
Tiger Devore PhD:
Before someone enters treatment, you have to confront them and get them to be willing to go to treatment
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:51 Tiger Devore PhD
3:52
Tiger Devore PhD:
You can find out where your partner goes on the internet by checking the serach history on the computer, or you can just ask them and let them know about your concerns
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:52 Tiger Devore PhD
3:54
[Comment From MimiMimi: ]
My husband had an affair with his partner 4 years ago, and came clean, was remorseful, he still has to work with the person because of financial reasons, however they usually are in different offices. I am confident it is over. He also was addicted to Porn on the internet has stopped. However, he is unable to climax and hold an erection very long. He no longer spends time on the internet, or very little, he felt guilty and bad because it was upsetting me. My question is, can he no longer enjoy sex out of guilt, or does it have to do with having spent too much time on the internet? He also does have the emotional disconnect that you mentioned. He tells me he is just getting old. He is 56 and in very good shape.
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:54 Mimi
3:54
[Comment From E. GeorgeE. George: ]
The history always gets deleted when they close the browser! Wouldn’t asking them mean that you don’t trust them?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:54 E. George
3:55
[Comment From Nee`Nee`: ]
I did that a few months ago and we talked about it and he admitted to everything
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:55 Nee`
3:55
Tiger Devore PhD:
There are many treatment centers in the Northeast, some have sex addiction programs and others don’t. You would have to check your insurance coverage and go from there.
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:55 Tiger Devore PhD
3:57
Tiger Devore PhD:
For some sex addicts, the high they lose when they stop has to be replaced by learning about intimacy so that sex can be about communicating feeling for their partner; without the pornographic aspect, they may feel very little sex interest
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:57 Tiger Devore PhD
3:57
[Comment From Nee`Nee`: ]
Ok Thanks
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:57 Nee`
3:58
Tiger Devore PhD:
asking means that you care, not that you don’t trust; if they have a problem, they need someone who cares enough to help them when they are out of control
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:58 Tiger Devore PhD
3:58
Tiger Devore PhD:
If the addict admits to everything, then its time to talk about treatment
Wednesday March 24, 2010 3:58 Tiger Devore PhD
4:00
[Comment From E. GeorgeE. George: ]
Thank you Dr. Devore!!!
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:00 E. George
4:00
Tiger Devore PhD:
treatment includes learning about intimacy and having feeling for the partner; when sex istn about contact with people who they don’t know and don’t care about, the feeling of it is very different
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:00 Tiger Devore PhD
4:02
Tiger Devore PhD:
it’s not that he is getting old … he just can’t connect sex to caring yet, and he will need help to learn how to do that
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:02 Tiger Devore PhD
4:26
[Comment From too much?too much?: ]
I have searched online about sex addiction previously and I think i have a huge problem, but too embarrass and worried about my marriage to go for professional help. I have told my closer friends about the situation and they have tried to help.
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:26 too much?
4:28
Tiger Devore PhD:
I appreicate that you want to proctect your privacy and the feelings of your loved ones, but I have to encourage you to consider that if you don’t bring your wife onto your support team your marriage cannot succeed; she isn’t a part of your life, and she can’t be there to help you get over your addiction
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:28 Tiger Devore PhD
4:29
Tiger Devore PhD:
If you need help to know how to approach your wife, many sex addiction specialists can help you with that process
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:29 Tiger Devore PhD
4:30
[Comment From too much?too much?: ]
I will have sex with unknown partners every couple of weeks with different females, never the same twice. It can be mutual masturbation, oral or sexual encounters. I would skip out work and line up to have encounters with 2-3 females. I feel remorse with what i do after, but my mind just constantly thinks about sex until i get a release. What would you recommend to do, besides seeking professional help? or is there something i can do on my own with support from friends?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:30 too much?
4:32
[Comment From ChrissyChrissy: ]
Can a sexaholic really ever overcome the addiction ?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:32 Chrissy
4:32
Tiger Devore PhD:
The AA model would encourage you to call your friends when you find yourself setting up sexual encounters so that they can keep you from going through with it; you need to learn how to stop, and friedns can help that. My experience tells me that you haven’t had enough consequences of your behavior, that you still feel you can get away with it.
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:32 Tiger Devore PhD
4:34
Tiger Devore PhD:
everybody prefers intimacy to desperation; sex addicts can learn that sex is about feeling instead of pornography
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:34 Tiger Devore PhD
4:36
[Comment From GuestGuest: ]
Hi Dr. DeVore. My husband never seems to be able to “get enough”. We can have sex twice in the morning, or morning and afternoon but by night, he’ll act like it’s been weeks and still want more. Is this just a “healthy” sex drive or is it more?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:36 Guest
4:36
[Comment From too much?too much?: ]
you are right, at one point i felt like I was caught with a karma situation and stopped for about 3 weeks. I have since went and did it again. My friends all tell me to stop and offer support. Can a psychiatrist help with these type of addictions?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:36 too much?
4:38
Tiger Devore PhD:
for “too much” find a psychologist or psychiatristwho specializes in sex addtictons, you sound ready
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:38 Tiger Devore PhD
4:39
Tiger Devore PhD:
Your husbands healthy sex drive is only a problem if its too much for you — it is true, many sex addicts need to have many orgasms per day, but it does not necessarily mean that he is out having sex with others
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:39 Tiger Devore PhD
4:41
[Comment From too much?too much?: ]
thank you
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:41 too much?
4:50
[Comment From GuestGuest: ]
my wife is a sex addict.i love having sex ,but im on medication which makes me tired is there anything i can take to counteract this feeling
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:50 Guest
4:56
Tiger Devore PhD:
tell your doctor about the fatigue from the medication and see if there is an alternative — make sure he understands the medication is affecting your marriage
Wednesday March 24, 2010 4:56 Tiger Devore PhD
5:02
[Comment From GuestGuest: ]
your not kidding my wife thinks i’m sleeping with someone else and it causes more fights than anything your not aware of anything over the counter?
Wednesday March 24, 2010 5:02 Guest
5:04
Tiger Devore PhD:
not a good idea to try to counteract what your doc has prescribed with over the counter meds ….
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
asking means that you care, not that you don’t trust; if they have a problem, they need someone who cares enough to help them when they are out of control
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
If the addict admits to everything, then its time to talk about treatment
[Comment From E. George]
Thank you Dr. Devore!!!
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
treatment includes learning about intimacy and having feeling for the partner; when sex istn about contact with people who they don’t know and don’t care about, the feeling of it is very different
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
it’s not that he is getting old … he just can’t connect sex to caring yet, and he will need help to learn how to do that
[Comment From too much?]
I have searched online about sex addiction previously and I think i have a huge problem, but too embarrass and worried about my marriage to go for professional help. I have told my closer friends about the situation and they have tried to help.
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
I appreicate that you want to proctect your privacy and the feelings of your loved ones, but I have to encourage you to consider that if you don’t bring your wife onto your support team your marriage cannot succeed; she isn’t a part of your life, and she can’t be there to help you get over your addiction
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
If you need help to know how to approach your wife, many sex addiction specialists can help you with that process
[Comment From too much?]
I will have sex with unknown partners every couple of weeks with different females, never the same twice. It can be mutual masturbation, oral or sexual encounters. I would skip out work and line up to have encounters with 2-3 females. I feel remorse with what i do after, but my mind just constantly thinks about sex until i get a release. What would you recommend to do, besides seeking professional help? or is there something i can do on my own with support from friends?
[Comment From Chrissy]
Can a sexaholic really ever overcome the addiction
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
The AA model would encourage you to call your friends when you find yourself setting up sexual encounters so that they can keep you from going through with it; you need to learn how to stop, and friedns can help that. My experience tells me that you haven’t had enough consequences of your behavior, that you still feel you can get away with it.
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
everybody prefers intimacy to desperation; sex addicts can learn that sex is about feeling instead of pornography
[Comment From Guest]
Hi Dr. DeVore. My husband never seems to be able to “get enough”. We can have sex twice in the morning, or morning and afternoon but by night, he’ll act like it’s been weeks and still want more. Is this just a “healthy” sex drive or is it more?
[Comment From too much?]
you are right, at one point i felt like I was caught with a karma situation and stopped for about 3 weeks. I have since went and did it again. My friends all tell me to stop and offer support. Can a psychiatrist help with these type of addictions?
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
for “too much” find a psychologist or psychiatristwho specializes in sex addtictons, you sound ready
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
Your husbands healthy sex drive is only a problem if its too much for you — it is true, many sex addicts need to have many orgasms per day, but it does not necessarily mean that he is out having sex with others
[Comment From too much?]
thank you
[Comment From Guest]
my wife is a sex addict.i love having sex ,but im on medication which makes me tired is there anything i can take to counteract this feeling
[Comment From Tiger Devore PhD]
tell your doctor about the fatigue from the medication and see if there is an alternative — make sure he understands the medication is affecting your marriage
[Comment From Guest]
your not kidding my wife thinks i’m sleeping with someone else and it causes more fights than anything your not aware of anything over the counter?
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